It’s been a long six months since I last posted, it’s hard to believe how time flies by so fast. I say long because lots has happened but I never felt like it was stuff to share on this blog. I still struggle with what the blog should be about, seeing how it’s called Happy Cancer Girl and is about my cancer journey…the blog should generally only have all of my cancer stuff.
Anyway, back in April I went to a retreat with YACC and it was amazing. I was able to spend a long weekend with other young adults who had/have cancer. It was the first time since my diagnoses where I felt like everything could be ok and I could move on.
In June I went to a YACC conference, it was not as intimate as the retreat because there are many more people, but having experienced the retreat, it was nice being able to connect with the people I had met in April and also to be able to meet more awesome peeps. I didn’t feel as manic as I did in April, so I was able to enjoy the conference and take in a lot of different thoughts and perceptions.
Owen and I started building a house this summer. We had decided we were going to build a house the year before, but I was always a little apprehensive about it. Not because we will be living across the road from my in-laws (it’s true we are), but because I feared building the house and then not living long enough to actually live in the house. But after April I was ok with moving on and building our dream home.
Something happened this summer…I don’t really know what was the driving point, but at some point I decided I was done with cancer. I had it, I don’t anymore, let’s get over it and forget about it. I was volunteering with Ovarian Cancer Canada and I stopped going to the meetings. I made every excuse I could come up with. If people talked about cancer around me I would smile and kind of act like I didn’t hear them. I wanted to literally forget that I have had cancer. Cancer is not me and I am not my cancer (probably taken to a whole new extreme).
So what’s changed? Death and a lot of it. In the past few weeks a lot of young women have lost their lives to cancer. Most of these women I knew personally, a couple I didn’t, but have relationships with others who were close to them. One woman wasn’t a part of the YACC family, but was someone that I knew growing up. She was a doctor, she was healthy, athletic and a part of our nations army. Although I haven’t seen her in years, her passing seemed to unhinge something deep inside of me. A fear that I have been able to keep behind a locked door.
Yesterday I was working at my new house. We have a room in the basement that is being finished and I was working on the concrete floor. I feel like I broke into pieces on that floor. One minute I was working and fine and the next minute I was in tears. I don’t know if the feelings are called survivors guilt, or if I’m just terrified of death. What makes one person get cancer and die way before they should and another get cancer and live to a ripe old age?
The flood gate only opened yesterday, but I feel as though my chest is going to burst. I don’t know how to deal with these feelings. I suppose I should go back to my therapist and talk about it. I don’t think I’m ready, I haven’t even worked out what it is that I am feeling.
Today my thoughts are with one of my closest friends who is having surgery, I really want to be there with her. I want her surgery to go well. I want her recovery to go well. My thoughts are with all of the women who have recently lost their lives. My thoughts are with me and for myself and what my future holds. My thoughts are jumbled and I feel trapped inside myself. I wish I could stop the thoughts, but there’s no music in the world that can help the anxiety that I am feeling today.
So on that heavy note, I will leave you. I’m not going to post a video because I don’t have one that can describe how I feel….or I don’t have the energy to search the internet for something.
If I don’t post again this year I hope you all have a lovely holiday season!