Happy Cancer Girl

A Happy Girls Journey with Cancer

The Sad Reality

on January 28, 2013

I am a happy person for the most part, but I do have moments when I am really sad. They come and go and I’m sure they will while I am going through all of this. On the weekend I had some sad moments that I thought I might share.

Cancer is lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had incredible support and love from my family and friends, but I find I don’t share a lot of information. I know I’ve said lots on this blog, but it’s general information and usually on how to make myself happy. You know when you see someone and they say “Hi, how are you?”, the usual response is “I’m good, how are you?”, well when people ask me how I’m doing, I always say I’m great or I’m good, even if I’m not. I feel like it’s not fair to give an honest answer because it’s heavy stuff.

The truth is, I am good for the most part, but for the past week or two I’ve been having terrible stomach pains. This is likely my endometriosis. Before I had surgery in November I only had endometriosis pain about a day or two a month, nothing serious. After my surgery I was healing so I didn’t really notice, but this month it’s been much worse with the pain lasting for well over a week. I don’t know if it’s because I had the surgery, or if it’s because of stress…but what I do know is, it sucks. It feels like a constant pulling inside my stomach and sometimes it hurts so bad that I can’t stand up straight. Today I am going to call the gynaecologist and hopefully I can see her before I go for surgery, because I have lots of questions.

The other thing that often brings me down is mourning the loss of my uterus. I think women often say “Ugh I wish I didn’t have to have a period, it’s so annoying”, but it’s said out of frustration because we are stuck with it every single month. Knowing that in 3 weeks time I’m not going to have a uterus is sad. I will never know what it’s like to be pregnant, to feel a baby growing inside of me, to give birth to a human that you love unconditionally. I have spent hundreds of dollars on books about pregnancy and preparing Β for pregnancy and motherhood. I quit a great job because I thought the stress was causing my infertility. Owen and I have spent hours talking about what kind of parents we would be. Owen and I would have been great parents.

Because I have big stuff weighing on me, it’s usually the little stuff that makes it all bubble over. Finding out last week that I was a part of the student load privacy breach put me in a rage. I know mistakes happen, but I was really angry when I found out. When I call someone to talk (because I have to get some of this stuff off my chest), and they tell me they will call me back and then they don’t ever call, it hurts and then I get sad because I give a lot to those I am close to….and sometimes I just need their attention in return. Like I said cancer is lonely. Everyone has their own stuff going on and I can’t expect everything to be about me. I should probably get a therapist!!

Writing this post has made me a little sad so I’m going to crank some tunes and dance around the kitchen…I may even go play Hip Hop Experience on the Wii just cause! But first I’m going to Stompa my feet! I LOVE this song. Owen you should watch the video because there are girls with bows and arrows! Ha.

19 responses to “The Sad Reality

  1. Jamie says:

    You and Owen are still going to be kick ass parents and I can’t wait for our double family camping trips. And that song just made my Monday.

    • Thanks Jamie. I love that song!! She’s playing in SJ but it’s just after my surgery, so I won’t get to see her this time…but I’m sure she’ll be back some day. πŸ™‚ I looking forward to camping also!!!

  2. Patsy says:

    You have every right to: cry, rage, laugh, scream, shout, stomp around and shake your bootay.

    You and Owen WILL be fantastic parents. You will get to experience a baby growing right before your eyes – first teeth, first steps, first words – and it will be amazing.

    This frightening/horrifying experience will ensure that, one day, a parent-less child will be blessed with the best Renee and Owen they could have ever hoped for – and s/he will be loved more than s/he could have ever imagined. Your love will be unconditional. I guarante.

    Was going to crack a joke to lighten your mood a bit, but in case of offending others, I will send it to your Inbox πŸ˜€

    Love you, see you tomorrow!

  3. ❀ It is perfectly natural and normal to be sad from time to time, love. I hope the stomach pain subsides too. It is hard to be happy when you are in pain. Also, You are allowed to morn the loss of your uterus. It is a part of you and the life you envisioned for yourself. It takes time and processing to adapt to that shift and change in your life, as a matter of fact I would be more concerned if you weren't sad now and again!

    I love Stompa too and if there's any song to dance to in the kitchen with the music cranked, it's that one! XO

  4. Suzanne Poirier says:

    Good morning from a snowy Ottawa, Renee. One thing for sure – you’re giving me a great musical education. Of course I know of Serena Ryder but your ancient aunt had never heard of Mackelmore & Ryan Lewis or the Cataracts (only in my eyes). Serge is great afficionado of charity shops so he’ll like the Thrift Shop song.

    • You guys are getting snow? It’s been way too cold here to snow! Thankfully it’s supposed to warm up this week. I’m glad you are getting a musical education!! I LOVE music. The Thrift Shop song is one of my favourites at the moment. πŸ™‚

  5. Sasha says:

    I dont like hearing you say you’ll never be patents, makes me sad 😦 you & Owen would really make great patents!!!! I’d have a baby for you in a heartbeat if I could!! Really, I would!

  6. Amelia says:

    You have been educating me so very much with your blog…..With what it is like to live with Cancer and pain, to try to stay positive until the energy to do that is simply depleted….All the stages of loss and grief.
    I am so glad to see you have so many friends & family who are able to express what I can not put into words.
    I plan to visit on Friday and we can “do lunch.” In the meantime I will replay your music (& your other posts of people on a similar journey) and try to dance in my kitchen while sending good healing energy to you.
    Big warm bear hugs to you, Love Aunt Mimi

    • Thanks Aunt Mimi!! I can’t wait to see you on Friday, lunch will be great! I’m glad you are enjoying my blog, it is a great outlet for me and I’m so pleased that people are actually reading it! I hope you had fun dancing in your kitchen, I LOVE it!

  7. Lori says:

    Renee, you wouldn’t be able to appreciate the happy moments if you didn’t go through the sad ones too. Grief is part of this journey and although I think we’d all like you to be able to fast forward through this part, it’s important to your healing to go through it. I do believe children can still be part of your future, there are so many unknown possibilities that could still happen…many a mother is made without needing a uterus! (Although I still have one, it’s been completely useless to me…lol!)

    • Lori I agree that children could be a part of our future, we are still young and could always decide to pick up on our adoption process again. πŸ™‚ I do wish that the government’s would make it easier to adopt, I understand the screening process but the years people have to wait and the children who are waiting for families is sad to me. However, we will see and when the time is right we will decide what to do for sure.

  8. blogmefast says:

    i really understand when you talk about the loss of your uterus..it is not easy to accept..also since you look so young..many dont understand and perform hyserectomies for no real reason..but in your case it was necessary..i wish you good courage…you have the right to be happy…

  9. zcher says:

    My typical response to “how are you?” has now become “I have good days and bad days.” and usually because it is typically a good day if I am able to run into people I add, “Today is a good day.” It feels more honest to me and allows people to feel ok if that is all they want to hear, and allows others who want more information the opportunity to ask more.

    Cancer can be lonely and you will have sad moments. It’s ok. It’s also ok to mourn the loss of your uterus and life as you knew it before. You cannot deny your true feelings, experiencing them will allow you freedom to concentrate on getting healthy.

    Then once you get healthy, if you want to, you will have children through adoption or fostering and share the gift of your continued life with someone else who needs your strength and positive attitude.

  10. goldeygrad97 says:

    I know exactly what you are writing – and could have written it myself. I’m older than you – 40 – but I always thought I’d be a Mom. when I didn’t marry until 35, and was blindingly overweight at the time, I told myself, I’ll have my baby when I get the weight off. I got the weight off, and then had two knee surgeries, and my husband turned 55. He didn’t want to start over (he has three grown girls) but told me if I wanted a baby, we’d try. And then, the cancer. And now I’ve not a chance of having a baby. And due to our age, adoption is not really on the table for us – and my husband really doesn’t want to start over. So, I do mourn. I mourn my uterus (even though she was a complete bitch), and I mourn the babies I won’t have, and I mourn being a momma. I have three beautiful step-daughters, and nine beautiful grandkids. But they aren’t my own, and sometimes the ache is astounding.

    Cancer is lonely. My husband, my friends, my family, they are tell me, “Oh, you’re almost done treatment…you’ll get through this…you are strong.” But there are days I don’t feel strong. I feel alone, and lonely, and no one understands me. So I’m building a support network of folks like YOU, who can understand.

    I highly recommend asking your oncologist if there are any support groups in your area. I plan on doing so next time I’m there (Monday) provided my immune system is high enough to let me go.

    Otherwise, you can always email me – we can be lonely together (goldeygrad at verizon dot net).

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