Happy Cancer Girl

A Happy Girls Journey with Cancer

The Sad Reality

I am a happy person for the most part, but I do have moments when I am really sad. They come and go and I’m sure they will while I am going through all of this. On the weekend I had some sad moments that I thought I might share.

Cancer is lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had incredible support and love from my family and friends, but I find I don’t share a lot of information. I know I’ve said lots on this blog, but it’s general information and usually on how to make myself happy. You know when you see someone and they say “Hi, how are you?”, the usual response is “I’m good, how are you?”, well when people ask me how I’m doing, I always say I’m great or I’m good, even if I’m not. I feel like it’s not fair to give an honest answer because it’s heavy stuff.

The truth is, I am good for the most part, but for the past week or two I’ve been having terrible stomach pains. This is likely my endometriosis. Before I had surgery in November I only had endometriosis pain about a day or two a month, nothing serious. After my surgery I was healing so I didn’t really notice, but this month it’s been much worse with the pain lasting for well over a week. I don’t know if it’s because I had the surgery, or if it’s because of stress…but what I do know is, it sucks. It feels like a constant pulling inside my stomach and sometimes it hurts so bad that I can’t stand up straight. Today I am going to call the gynaecologist and hopefully I can see her before I go for surgery, because I have lots of questions.

The other thing that often brings me down is mourning the loss of my uterus. I think women often say “Ugh I wish I didn’t have to have a period, it’s so annoying”, but it’s said out of frustration because we are stuck with it every single month. Knowing that in 3 weeks time I’m not going to have a uterus is sad. I will never know what it’s like to be pregnant, to feel a baby growing inside of me, to give birth to a human that you love unconditionally. I have spent hundreds of dollars on books about pregnancy and preparing ¬†for pregnancy and motherhood. I quit a great job because I thought the stress was causing my infertility. Owen and I have spent hours talking about what kind of parents we would be. Owen and I would have been great parents.

Because I have big stuff weighing on me, it’s usually the little stuff that makes it all bubble over. Finding out last week that I was a part of the student load privacy breach put me in a rage. I know mistakes happen, but I was really angry when I found out. When I call someone to talk (because I have to get some of this stuff off my chest), and they tell me they will call me back and then they don’t ever call, it hurts and then I get sad because I give a lot to those I am close to….and sometimes I just need their attention in return. Like I said cancer is lonely. Everyone has their own stuff going on and I can’t expect everything to be about me. I should probably get a therapist!!

Writing this post has made me a little sad so I’m going to crank some tunes and dance around the kitchen…I may even go play Hip Hop Experience on the Wii just cause! But first I’m going to Stompa my feet! I LOVE this song. Owen you should watch the video because there are girls with bows and arrows! Ha.